Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
