I never want to see another naked old woman again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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