I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
