I love black thongs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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