Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize