That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
