turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
