if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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