I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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