I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
