Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My vagina just recognized that song.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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