My friends, they love my intelligence
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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