I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
