he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
