Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
