There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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