so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
