My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize