Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize