Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
