I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
