Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
