About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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