i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Randomize
