More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize