I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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