So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
