got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
