I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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