he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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