The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
