Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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