You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
