got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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