She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Randomize
