I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
