Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
