Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
