i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
