I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
