You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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