im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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