my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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