Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
