I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize