I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
