You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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