After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
