why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
