Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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