just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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