During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
