an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize