Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
