I wish my penis had an off switch
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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