dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
