alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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