I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm getting married
To pizza
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize